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“I can’t seem to touch you, though you’re very near.
All the things I knew about you seem to disappear.
I can’t seem to find you in these tiny rooms
All these rooms we used to live in seem so very small.

Come on over here
Come on over here
Let’s go down to Chinatown, it’s not far away.
I’ve got a lot to say, but I don’t know just what it is….

All these people talking seem to know your name
Lately when I say it, it just doesn’t sound the same

Come on over here
Come on over here
Let’s go down to Chinatown, it’s not far away.
I’ve got a lot to say, but I don’t know just what it is….

I can’t seem to get there, I just walk around
My feet kick the lonely air and never touch the ground….

Let’s go down to Chinatown, it’s not far away.
I’ve got a lot to say, but I don’t know just what it is….”*

I used to listen to this song 25 years ago and think of the idiot who had broken my heart. That’s what I thought it was, love gone wrong. Boy, was I wrong.

Now, I’m older. I’m supporting a household. For the first time in my life, I’m responsible for someone other than myself. My days of taking crazy chances for fun are over. I’ve got a job, a good job that takes up all of my time. I go home; I fall asleep on the couch till it’s time to go to bed. Then I go back to my good job.

I miss my friends. I miss their kids.

“I can’t seem to touch you, though you’re very near.”

I have friends who are happy, and friends who are scared. Friends who are bringing new life to this world, and friends who are losing family. Friends who are hurt, friends having surgery, friends who are crazy from stress and friends who would love to have something to do. They are all living their lives, and I’m not there.

“All the things I knew about you seem to disappear.”

And the kids…. The babies have become children, the children grow into adolescence and in the blink of an eye, those teenagers are adults.

“I can’t seem to find you in these tiny rooms
All these rooms we used to live in seem so very small.”

I’ve discovered that all those wonderful things that gave me such joy when the kids were so young…...those things were done so young that they don’t remember them. They don’t understand why I look at them with such longing---it’s because they’re the children I didn’t have, the validation to my sense of that I was being needed by someone.

“Let’s go down to Chinatown, it’s not far away.
I’ve got a lot to say, but I don’t know just what it is….”


Back to this job thing.

I’ve had a good life, a fun life, a life that hasn’t stinted on joy and adventure. For the first time, I find myself responsible for the well-being of others. This is a responsibility that most have faced half a lifetime ago. But I haven’t. It’s new to me. And it’s suffocating, and exhausting, and irritating, and quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever done.

I’ve always moved on to the next adventure when I got bored. That’s why I’ve worked in so many fields, and know so much trivia. I get good at something and then go find something else to learn. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been easier if I’d taken the road more-traveled. It may have been easier, but I’ll bet it wouldn’t have been as interesting, and I wouldn’t have as many stories.

I love my job; that’s not the issue. The issue is that I am not just bringing home the bacon for me anymore. If I screw this up, it’s not just me falling. For the first time in my life, I don’t have an alternative. I HAVE TO MAKE THIS WORK. I am very aware that this is probably my last chance to be an adult, and I can’t run away from it.

So to my friends: I miss you. I really miss you, and I miss my life with you and I still worry about your children and your parents and your pets and I wish that I were nearer….although I live scant miles from some of you.

“I’ve got a lot to say, but I don’t know just what it is….”

Actually, it looks like I DO know what it is. And here it is: I am going to find a way to water-ski instead of treading water, but it’s going to take more time. I just hope that my friends will still be there, and that the kids won’t whisper “Who’s that?”

*”Chinatown” by The REIVERS, from the album Pop Beloved

WHY, you ask me?

Okay, all you non-health reformists...let me tell you a story of a friend of mine. A few years ago, Richard lost his job, and then his wife died unexpectedly. He spiraled downward into depression. COBRA came and went, health coverage was unavailable because of his pre-existing conditions regardless of his maintaining COBRA coverage.

Hey. Them's the rules.

Then his liver shut down. He ended up in a great hospital, but couldn't be put on the transplant list till his entire net worth was trimmed away to allow him onto a government program that will leave him bankrupt, but alive.

Guess what? Preparing and processing the paperwork to ruin him financially so that he could live took two weeks....too long. He was on the transplant list for two days before the rest of his organs shut down and he was deemed to be unfit for a transplant.

If there had been a way for him to get the medical treatment that he needed when he needed it, during a time when the hospital did several transplants of the type he needed, Richard would not be RIGHT NOW lying in a deep sleep from which he will never awaken. At any time, the alarms will go off, the monitors will flatline and my silly, funny friend will be gone, at the age of 46.

Tell me that this should have happened, and explain your reasoning in a way that does not make me angry with the state of healthcare in our country today. Just try.

But fair warning, I may come out swinging.

Jun. 10th, 2009

  • 07:54 is there anything better than a breezy drive in the bright morning sun, listening to "Solsbury Hill"?--- "My heart goin' BOOMBOOMBOOM..." #

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Jun. 9th, 2009

  • 05:42 ME: I used Sevin to kill the anthill by the trees. SIS: Great, now all I'm thinking of is thousands of ants with their heads in tiny boxes. #
  • 05:55 @ladywinnie to hell with ivy....i needed an i.v.! #
  • 06:06 @ChrisCuomo twitpic.com/6wbb3 - hurry up, boys, it's almost time for school! #
  • 09:39 @ChrisCuomo looked cool! would there be a safety issue 4 rider w/ silent motorcycle ? also-elec cars are hazard to blind-cannot hear 2 avoid #
  • 14:00 @lilithsaintcrow it's fantasy...take 'em both. #
  • 21:09 mom's 10 yr old dead laptop resurrected long enough to pull files off that she needed after this weekend's 'no hard drive installed' fiasco. #
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Jun. 8th, 2009

  • 12:02 is looking at a laptop that has crashed, burned, rolled over and died. #
  • 16:30 has been fighting english ivy again. Say, what does heat stroke feel like? #
  • 17:08 May I just say that the WHAS Crusade for Children is an INCREDIBLE charity-it makes me proud to live in a community that makes a difference. #
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Jun. 6th, 2009

  • 07:13 the highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive ... #
  • 09:42 @JoJo059 oh honey, I hope you feel better! sending happy thoughts... #
  • 09:46 @jargan HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Ain't it great to be alive? #
  • 15:52 is driving into the weekend! #
  • 15:53 @JoeFinder holy smokes, congrats on the sale! #
  • 19:55 @Jeffrey_Donovan just watched the tivo'd premiere.... 60 minutes o' fun! #
  • 20:00 "I'm tellin' ya, it's a helluva lot harder to rebuild a sunroom than it is to blow the damn thing up." Bruce Campbell-king of the oneliners. #
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Jun. 5th, 2009

  • 07:55 "Sister GoldenHair" makes me think of hot summer on this rainy morning. I can smell the Coppertone! #
  • 11:20 Sitting in the rain...in traffic...listening to Aztec Camera...cheered by that jangly guitar! #
  • 17:08 @gid72 twitpic.com/6lxyo - tough gig! #
  • 20:03 is wishing that the dog could walk herself. #
  • 22:03 @danabrunetti just read yr page...>>sigh<<...do you long for the days when you had 400 followers and twitter was fun? #
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Jun. 4th, 2009

  • 09:41 wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then... #
  • 09:57 Frankly, this leaves me completely speechless: bit.ly/VJ7b8 #
  • 09:57 @TheyCallMeKate oh yeah, just doing a song lyric thing with a friend on facebook. #
  • 10:41 @gid72 you've really got to stop watching the news. It's not a positive way to start the day! #
  • 10:41 @craigklein deal! thanks! #
  • 10:44 @stratcat45 it should be mandatory for a woman to come along on every installation for this guy! #
  • 14:26 @slushfunbaby i'm OLDER now, but still running against the wind! #
  • 15:23 has discovered that her car really likes to travel much faster than most legal speed limits...unless you count the Autobahn. #
  • 22:40 @danabrunetti if it's any consolation, Fanboys is sold out at every Barnes & Noble location in my town. Manager says she can't keep it in! #
  • 22:42 should have been in bed 45 minutes ago....why does the working world have to start so darned early? #
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Jun. 3rd, 2009

  • 08:50 ok. entire ACT database since 9/08 has disappeared. Contacts, history, quotes, all of it. Deeeeep breath. BREATHE, Lyn. Nope. still gone. #
  • 12:49 @theycallmekate just as I read this, Slacker gave me REM--Seven Chinese Brothers! #
  • 12:54 @theycallmekate perhaps its the end of the world as we know it... #
  • 13:01 RT @cjredwine ME:I need u 2 clean the bathroom-SON:I did!-ME:No,REALLY clean it.W/cleaner.Not just spit-polish-SON:I can use SPIT?*headdesk* #
  • 13:38 @lilithsaintcrow glad you didn't listen to me. silently rooting for you to get some extra sleep! #
  • 13:40 still can't find her files, but is coming to terms with it. and hating this darned computer. #
  • 13:41 @craigklein thanks, but turns out it's a computer issue, not an ACT problem. #
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Jun. 2nd, 2009

  • 13:41 Has a NEW CAR! - mobypicture.com/?ooj9bj #
  • 15:16 @slushfundbaby I know! the pt cruiser was hit TWICE by people in parking lots who didn't leave notes, and had 80K-so I had to do it, right? #
  • 15:21 @DanaBrunetti it'salways amazed me that they still can't track a plane all the way across the ocean.1 more reason 4 me 2 hate those flights. #
  • 15:24 finally watched Fanboys....why was this movie not a huge hit? #
  • 15:34 @slushfundbaby why yes. yes you are. slug. #
  • 15:36 @slushfundbaby sadly enough, I KNEW you meant beer! #
  • 21:17 @JoJo059 thank you, madam p! I will take some actual pictures this week, but have had no time to enjoy the ride...or figure out the buttons #
  • 21:19 has had a manicure and is thinking fondly of her Temperpedic. #
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